No字的用途


有一類人,老是反對別人,自己卻提不出甚麼好建議。

這類人的表表者,是議員,是小C爹爹的老婆,是有時像我情不自禁的家長。

小C首次用學校的小廁所,好不容易肯坐定了,卻學人家把雙手放到廁所板上。

我見了想吐,在心臟病發之前垂死掙扎大叫不不不--手不能放上廁所板!!!

小C看了好戲,覺得這媽媽實在是過癮,還好像在說甚麼「……手……放廁所板」,於是掙脫了媽媽魔爪,照媽媽所言把再往廁所板尋寶去。(*)

媽媽此時由心臟病發恢復過來,天可憐見忽然想起了一首歌:

(旋律:"If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands")

Put your hands on your lap, on your lap

Put your hands on your lap, on your lap

Put your hands on your lap, if you’re ready to pee pee

Put your hands on your lap, on your lap

此歌原本用來請小朋友在飯桌前等齊人開飯,唱着做着,好讓每雙小手有事可作,省回老師「不許碰食物」的不不不。用來pee pee,同曲同工。

只消一次,小C已然棄暗投明,由廁所板抹布變身為廁所板警察,每次都巴巴閉閉警戒廁內所有芳鄰姐姐,要把手放腿上。

要男人避免做衰嘢,唯有以工作或興趣將之整個佔有。

同樣道理,一隻隻小小的惡手惡腳惡嘴巴,莫非要注意要好奇要發洩,甚或根本不知自己想要甚麼,成年人與其見招拆招不不不的硬撼對着幹,倒不如耍太極將之分心,以正面甚至無聊的鎖事將之佔有,五秒鐘就夠。

小惡手要拋電話:「電話用來聽;但妳可以拋球。」

小惡腳要踢玩具狗:「玩具狗可以慢慢摸;但妳可以踢球。」

小惡臀要坐飯桌:「飯桌用來放東西;pet pet呢,可以頂球……」

小惡嘴要尖叫……惡兒朵聽你不到,唯有用手指在小臉前跳一輪舞,將之分心擺平。

爹爹比我更精於分心術,能以三寸不爛之舌,將撒賴扭抱的猴兒騙至自行於山間步走一小時。

創意管教(creative discipline)需要由被動的no跳出來,主動出擊跟小猴兒鬥智,絕對可以助家長預防老人癡呆。

那麼從此就不說不了嗎?當然不,在小惡腿衝出馬路,在小惡手拿剪刀插人,即傷人傷己的重要關頭,平日忍口不說的一個不字,吼出來會震天價響,聽起來才會醒醒定。

__________

* 畫公仔畫出腸環節:除了結婚半年以上的男人,幼兒也會選擇性聆聽,你說no XYZ,他只聽見XYZ,同時你也將XYZ更牢固地往他腦袋塞一次。而且,即使當真聽話停了惡行,如沒正面引導其他合法行為,半秒後打回原形實為最正路之事,亦表示閣下孩子智力發展正常,恭喜。

叫孩子不要大叫,他叫得越吵。不如你帶頭,請他扮小老鼠細細聲吧。

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27 responses to “No字的用途

  1. 你真好野, 忍得住那個"不"字之餘, 仲有分心大法, 請得閒寫多D例子, 比我地D媽咪學吓野。另外爹爹o既分心大法有無用响你度? 哈哈!

  2. 行行媽:「電話用來聽;但妳可以拋球。」小惡行:「妳可以拋球, 但我要拋電話, AH———給我電話給我電話!!!!!」
    媽:「電話可以慢慢拋, 不如先踢球。」惡行:「妳可以踢球, 但我要踢電話, AH——–給我電話給我電話!!!!!」
    媽:「呢嗱, 原來petpet都可以頂球喎。」惡行:「妳可以用petpet頂球, 但我要用petpet頂電話, AH——–給我電話給我電話!!!!!」

    這番對話起碼可以消磨三幾分鐘. 而且肯定可以訓練媽媽的創意!!

    (嘻嘻, 我絕對同意欣賞妳的講法, 手痕痕咁樣寫, 只係想發洩吓呻下啫. 其實呢, 上面ge個案只係反映個阿媽分心法用得唔夠徹底, 先會比個小惡行對個電話咁念念不忘啫)

  3. 藍mama

    我也好用分心大法,用得我無時無刻自言自語!

  4. amy

    阿四你這篇真的好正好正好正!!你舊曲新詞的if you’re happy亦很"百搭",thank you soooooooooo much for the idea!!!

    真佩服你連小C幾乎要碰那poo poo wee wee都能臨危不亂,我就只是看到那notebook被襲擊就已喊打喊殺,EQ真低呢!

    我已印了你這篇出來,留給爺爺嫲嫲公公婆婆看。阿四如果有空,可否多寫有關育兒心得?爸爸都不看育兒書,只看你的blog;而我看的育兒書都是英文書,爺爺嫲嫲公公婆婆又不會看。

  5. 可否有人走入我個腦度delete左個"no"字呢? 我隻馬騮識行識走只係四個月左右,但我響呢四個月講o既"no"字次數應該多過我三十年加埋…

  6. 用多了分心大法, 越覺得自己有點神經質, 無時無刻為分心而轉換話題, 自己都覺得自己有點無聊, 小猴子卻很受落. 橋唔怕舊, 只緊要受!!

  7. eeb

    學習ing,除了危險的事/地方,其他都用分心術、轉移術、稱讚術,一起發掘更好玩既嘢

    外加一句"阿仔,你咁大聲,我聽唔明呀,不如你細聽d再講多次?"
    雖然我仲未識火星文,但火星人的身體與地球人相約,而火星文亦彷彿明白地球人的語調。

  8. 米搞

    喂阿四你快啲出書啦,成日要上網查閱你呢啲咁正既內工心法係有啲難度喎...你知我要用雙手抱女架嘛。

  9. eeb

    打漏嘢 @_@,應該係
    “但火星人的身體語言與地球人相約"

  10. 納: 行行夠定力,哈哈,好!

    amy: "爸爸都不看育兒書,只看你的blog"--咦,我又係播。
    得你一家支持,我好榮幸。
    而家仲要加埋auntie, uncle,哈哈我要醒醒定嘞。
    但我又不是甚麼專家甚麼師,冇mud號召力公信力播。

  11. 訪客

    I am also trying very hard to practise what you called “creative discipline"… but I guess I need EQ training before I can successful!🙂

  12. Sorry, the previous message was from me.🙂

    “I am also trying very hard to practise what you called “creative discipline”… but I guess I need EQ training before I can successful!"

  13. 其實""creative discipline"不是我創的,有咁勁就好。 :)

    我除了EQ訓練,還需要IQ訓練呀陰功。。。

  14. 仲要加埋阿Q訓練呀, 陰陰公!!

  15. amy

    昨晚忘了將print-out拿回家,結果孤身作戰不說no,難度更高. : P 爺爺有看blog,希望今晚一家人會同坐一條船!

    Re爸爸看育兒書,我要更正,其實爸爸有看過整本親友推薦的"卡爾威特的教育"(我看不完)和十數頁secrets of the baby whisperer,或許因此嚇怕了,決定以後都不再讀育兒書。至於小C的爹爹,他的分手法練得如此出神入化,或許也不必進修吧?噢,除了那本toxic childhood?

    你怎麼不是甚麼專家甚麼師?如果我跟爺爺嫲嫲公公婆婆說,小C已能操流利英語,亦懂remix懂洗衫懂share半粒士多啤梨給媽媽,我想他們應會叫我向你拜師學藝呢!

  16. amy

    typo: 分手法 -> 分心法😛

  17. rockamama

    Ah 4, jun ho yea! I really like your article on “no." I will show my husband your article tonight! A marvelous piece!

  18. rockamama

    Ah 4, you absolutely are qualified to get your writing published! And you will be sure that your books (plural) will sell. I guarantee you. (And many would agree with me.) “Baby Einstein" was founded by a mother! You see, many baby products are actually ideas from full-time moms, who are so intelligent that they created good things to help other moms–many as desperate as I am–on parenting and how to inspire our lovely little ones. Yours can be one of those good ones! Absolutely!

  19. rockamama

    … can I ask you a question on “exersaucer" or “activity center" … ? sorry to bring it up here … but I can’t help it (one of desperate mom’s traits) … did Little C ever use one of those?

    — desperate mom (I want to see if I [or Rock] need one of those. Thanks a lot in advance for your help!)

  20. 通告: 好坐 « 媽媽阿四

  21. amy: 你米玩我啦

    rockamama: thanks a lot for your kind words. Little c did have a play mat kind of thingie where she lied on and pulled herself up. there were rings, rattles and dials to play with, but nothing with electronic sounds. at this age i would stay away from anything that comes with flashes and electronic music, as these require only passive pushing of buttons and are really baby versions of video games!

  22. rockamama

    Thanks, ah 4, for your advice! I just made my husband read your post on “no" just now. Hee hee. Would you consider setting up a “mailbox" for your readers to send in their “Qs"? I can’t wait to see that happens.😛

  23. amy

    是,我說錯了,你不是甚麼專家甚麼師,我倒覺得你其實是個revolutionist,在默默地發動一場育兒革命。

    阿四,這是你嗎?
    http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/powers_of_persuasion/its_a_womans_war_too/images_html/we_can_do_it.html

  24. 通告: 母女from hell « 媽媽阿四

  25. 通告: 一條龍家長 « 媽媽阿四

  26. cc

    爹爹比我更精於分心術,能以三寸不爛之舌,將撒賴扭抱的猴兒騙至自行於山間步走一小時。——-> 請試詳述之 …… many thx …….

  27. 通告: 忍一時風平浪靜,忍得太盡就會瀨 « 媽媽阿四

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